Yesterday, I noticed one of the blogs I’d read a few times, maybe liked a post or two, and commented on at least once had blocked me from following, liking, or commenting.

Why?? I’ve said nothing negative to or about any of it. The one comment I remember leaving was supportive of the post – an expression of solidarity – and it didn’t contain any language the author hadn’t already used themselves. At first, I thought it was just a technical glitch, but I tried a couple of their posts, and it was all the same. I could see that a post had comments, but when I clicked to comment, it showed nothing. When I clicked ‘follow’, it told me the blog was unavailable.

Clearly, I was singled out and blocked, and I have no idea why. Maybe it’s okay for them to use foul language in their posts but not okay for comments from others to include dirty words?? I really have no other ideas except that this person has decided that I’m unworthy of their attention, and that is one of my biggest triggers.

I cannot handle being ignored. It’s part of my Mommy Dearest Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I got ignored a lot. I was told to shut up and go away a lot. I was called a liar when I was in pain or sick and needed help. She told people I made stuff up just to get attention, and I was scolded whenever I displayed need or weakness. Everything and everyone was more important than I was to my mother, and it severely impacted how I saw myself and how I interacted with others. I’m sure my EDS and Autism diagnoses were missed because of her ignoring me or telling doctors (which I was rarely able to see) that I was making things up for attention. (Out of the Storm is a helpful web resource for those with CPTSD.)

Why does a person seem as though they are desperate for attention? Because they ARE desperate for attention!

I just took a nice, roughly six week hiatus from Facebook because the emotional impact of so many people paying no attention to anything I posted was too much. I had over 120 friends, and only a small handful who would comment on or react to my posts, and even those were sporadic. I felt like I was back in middle school where no one actually wanted to talk to me because I was too weird and I had more bullies than friends.

Tack on doctors habitually dismissing me, family that seems to have succumbed to Mommy Dearest’s brainwashing (I have one cousin who checks in on me, out of five cousins, a sister, six uncles, and five aunts), a hubby who gets a little absorbed into work, TV, phone games, etc., and a birth control injection I should never have gotten, and December 2016 brought me a complete nervous breakdown.

I’ve spent literally my entire life fighting to be heard, fighting to be taken seriously, begging to be accepted and understood and valued. Any time I’m ignored or dismissed or someone develops an incorrect understanding of what kind of person I am, it sets me on fire. Immediately, a flame pops up in my belly, and I get so defensive it puts me on the offense, hunting for ways to prove my truths and put the perpetrator in their place.

So, I spent about six weeks off Facebook altogether, deleted the app from my phone, and just a few days ago signed back in. I cut my friends list to 60 and announced to them that I’d only be on maybe once a week. I told you about having to disconnect from doctors, but that was more about losing the ability than it was a conscious choice in the interest of self-preservation. As for the bitch who blocked me, I blocked that blog so I don’t ever have to be reminded about someone dismissing me without making any attempt to talk to me about whatever the fuck it is I did to offend them.

I have ZERO TOLERANCE for people who rely on their own assumptions instead of attempting to communicate and better understand.

I just wish I were better at basing my self-value intrinsically instead of allowing external reality to dictate who I am in the world. Or rather, I wish I were better at remembering that the opinions of others have absolutely no merit when it comes to defining myself. I know who I am, what I stand for, and what value I actually am to this world. I need to stop letting myself feel like any person who gets me wrong has the power to diminish my power.

I’ve followed Erin Brown on Facebook for a while, and my sister-in-law gave me her book As Is for Christmas 2016. I haven’t started on it yet, but I plan to soon. She is all about self care, body positivity, and developing inner strength (well, outer strength, too, since she’s a weightlifter). I’m hoping it’ll become a valuable resource in my healing process.