I deleted my sister today. No, nothing bad happened to her. I just deleted her from my social media. Last time we spoke was via text the day after my birthday – that was the end of May, and here it is the end of November. I got not even a Happy Birthday text from her on my birthday, and when she texted me about bringing me my gift, all I could muster in response was that I was surprised she wanted to give me something since I hadn’t even gotten the HB text. Of course, I didn’t react exactly the way she wanted me to, and that was grounds for her to withdraw her gift. She has ignored me since.
Prior to that, I hadn’t heard from her since just before her birthday. She’d spent her money irresponsibly AGAIN and found herself with no money for food. I’d gotten a message from her asking to borrow a couple hundred dollars. When I asked what she needed it for, as usual, she got mad because I wasn’t just blindly giving her what she wanted. I wanted reasons. My husband wanted reasons, and since he’s the only one supporting us, the final decision on anything financial is his. I had to explain to her that I simply wanted to know more, and she was ready to be pissed at me simply for inquiring. Money was tight for us, too, but I couldn’t let my sister go hungry, especially over her birthday and Christmas (her birthday is mid-December). So, I combined birthday and Christmas, went over our budget, and bought her groceries. I think I put gas in her car, too, but I can’t remember for sure. She was elated that day, claiming that was the “best Christmas present ever”, jumping up and down, hugging me and thanking me repeatedly. After that, though – absolute silence. When I texted her “Merry Christmas” a few weeks later, I got no response. Same when I texted “Happy New Year”.
That’s how it is with my mother and sister. As long as I give them exactly what they want, life is wonderful, and I’m one of their favorite people. At the slightest hint of resistance or disagreement, though, I become a horrible, hateful, selfish, mean, cold-hearted, … whatever negative label suits their mood at the time. And like true Narcissists, everyone else gets their fake sob story about how badly I treat them.
I disowned my abusive mother last year, and by default, Dad was cut off, too. Did I want to disown my father? Not entirely. He did molest us when we were little, but (unless I have a lot of repressed memories) that stopped once I spoke up at Christmas time the year I was in kindergarten. Since then, his biggest fault has been not defending my sister or me from our mother’s abuse. That is why I’m not heartbroken about losing my father in this. He let it all happen. She is a genuine Sociopath with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. She’s manipulative and abusive to everyone around her, and he’s so brainwashed by her that he’s become her accomplice simply by not getting involved. (Read more about Mothers with Narcissistic Personality Disorder here.)
My sister and I were never really that close, and we’d go months without talking at times. We’d still talk and try to get together around birthdays and holidays, though. Unsurprisingly, when I instituted a no contact policy with our mother, my sister – even after years of commiserating over the abuse – decided to stick with the abuser instead of taking the opportunity to break free herself. I’m sure it was because she can’t actually support herself without help from someone, and our parents are her primary source for everything. She’s actually schizophrenic and thus doesn’t have a full grasp on reality. Plus, she takes after our mother in more ways than not. She doesn’t demand attention like mom does, but she is almost entirely self-absorbed, only reaching out for contact with others when she wants something either from them or just for herself. She accepts no possibility that her experiences are not genuine and banishes anyone who challenges her mental health or perception of reality. I tried to get her to seek a mental health evaluation once, and she stopped speaking to me for quite some time. She’s still undiagnosed, and she’ll be 33 in a couple weeks. Anyway, put her medical status together with what Mommy Dearest has programmed her to be, and it’s no surprise she clung to her. I can only imagine what she’s telling people about me. I know she’s had several people over our lives convinced that I was mean and abusive to her as a reaction to me simply telling her ‘No’ or disagreeing somehow. That’s her abuse tactic – manipulating people into feeling a certain way about someone or something so that they will act on her behalf, doing her bidding without knowing it.
I’ve tolerated and forgiven and sacrificed enough.
I’ve been fooled and used, gas-lighted and ignored ENOUGH.
I have had ENOUGH. I will not tolerate any more abusive treatment in my life. I have more than filled that fucking quota. I will not let either of them break my heart any more than they already have.
I. AM. DONE.
I might even be losing the majority of my family from this, too, because like any person with NPD, mom has spent my entire life convincing people I like to lie for attention. I don’t know what she’s saying to people lately, but I know she told people I lied about being molested and about being raped as a teenager, claiming I was just that desperate for attention. Most of my aunts and uncles have kept their distance, and she still gets invited to family events. I’m sure she’s twisted the narrative to suit her martyr complex and paint me as the bad guy. It’s what she does.
If that’s how it has to be, though, then I will not waste my time being hurt by it. I’ve suffered enough because of our mother. I’m not going to let the misguided shunning or alienation from others be one more tool in her arsenal. If they choose to let her manipulate their opinion of me without even trying to get my side of things, then they can just fuck off. Do I want to lose my aunts and uncles? No. But I just don’t have the energy any more to fight. My only effective defense is refusing to react. All I can do is ignore it.
My body is failing me, and no matter how much I talk about it online, my sister has said absolutely nothing to me about what I’m going through. I don’t have it in me to fight my medical battle and fight this at the same time. I have all the love and support I need from friends and my husband’s family. I don’t need what my mother and sister have to offer. I don’t want it. It’s toxic, and I’ve reached my limit. I am done trying to be a “good sister” or a “good daughter”. I am FUCKING DONE giving my love and support out of obligation. Anything coming from me needs to be earned now. If my sister wants me back in her life, she can put some energy into it. She can make the effort to correct her abusive behavior and twisted mentality, and she can work to prove that she does actually care about me as a person and not as a tool to be used or a resource to be taken advantage of.
I deserve better. I need better. I am done settling for less and giving more than I get.