I can’t… I just can’t today.
Can’t brain, I have the dumb. Can’t type, I have the numb.
Can’t bend or lift, sit or walk. Can’t find the words when I’m trying to talk.
I’d like to be social and need to be productive.
Regardless of want, though, I’m struggling to just live.
My spine is a stack of cracked glass marbles just itching to shatter the moment I ask it for something. There are rocks in my gut and shards of nope all the way through my bones. This ache is unbearable… and so far, it’s all untreatable.
“Soldier on,” I tell myself, “you’ll get there. One of these days, you’ll have your braces, you’ll be doing your physical therapy, they’ll find meds you can take that actually help, and you’ll feel better. This is temporary.”
But it might not be. There’s a very real possibility that I will never see any significant improvement. I had to say goodbye to my physical therapist today because the exertion is too much – I can’t keep up with PT and maintain a clean home and body at the same time. I tried. My pain and energy levels got worse. It’s all I can muster to wash dishes or shower every few days. Fuck laundry, with all that bending and folding and carrying and hanging and sorting…
I’m so utterly drained of ability, and I’m burning inside, yearning for a good day and wishing I haven’t spent my last hurrah already.
I have life to live. Please give me the life-force to live it.
No? Not today? Well, you can just fuck right off then. I’ll be horizontal until you change your mind and stop being such a shit.