Stuuuuuudy study study!

That’s what I do with my day. I get up and clean something or take care of critters when I feel well enough to be mobile, and when I wear out, I sit or lay down. That, or I do my one out-of-the-house activity for the day, come home and crash.

AND I READ.

I stare at my phone, reading facebook posts, blogs, news articles, medical journal websites, metaphysical and quantum physics articles, how-tos, … Sometimes I’ll watch a few YouTube videos or some documentary on the laptop, but for the most part, my time is spent learning new things or trying to develop a more intimate understanding of something already familiar.I do have trouble with my eyes and visual processing, which actually makes it hard to read, but I’ve found an angle to use when looking at my phone that doesn’t seem to cause the same issues I typically have. If I’m looking at anything else, though, I don’t see as clearly or absorb as much, and my eyes jump a lot more. (Just occurred to me it might be skull position thing. I’ll have to work on that thought…)

I want to KNOW. I want to understand everything. I want to know why things happen, how they happen, what effects those things have on their environments. I don’t want to wonder what someone’s reasoning is for something, I want the whole picture, all of it. If I come across a foreign concept, I immediately try to take in as much as I can in an attempt to understand it.

And, get this, I forget EVERYTHING.

I really do. It’s all in there, and sometimes it comes to the surface when I need it, sometimes it doesn’t. Typically, if it’s a detail like a proper name or date, it’s essentially in one ear and out the other most the time. History and chemistry classes were the worst for me growing up because of all the little details. My memory just prefers the bigger picture. So, I can read something half a dozen times and still find things that seem like new information. The downside, though, is that when it comes time to talk with another person about something, if I don’t have written notes – or – if I haven’t already taken some time to write about the topic in some way, there’s a much greater chance that information will be AWOL when called to attention.

That’s the bittersweet beauty of how this brain works. I can understand just about anything, provided my eyes and processing aren’t having a bad day. I’m a highly intelligent person. I just can’t retain things the way most people can.

And it fits, I suppose. I don’t hold on to the little things in life in the same way that most people do. They don’t resonate deeply enough for me. I pay attention more to the message than the messenger. I’d rather step back and watch the whole thing unfold from a distance than be mired in each little mechanism. Either that, or I want to amass all the little parts and put the seemingly incoherent puzzle together. Do I care who landed on the Moon first? Nope. I care that we got that far, and I care about the social impact of traveling into space for the first time. But I’ve heard those guys’ names a hundred times and still have only a suspicion of a name because I just give. zero. shits. At least that’s the way my memory feels about things. My attention disagrees sometimes and runs off with every little new thing. Well, they argue and chase each other around like siblings, but that’s not important right now. What’s important is that I’m always on the hunt for new input, and I prefer that input to be informative or educational. Even when I watch TV, what I watch is survival shows or nature-based reality shows, mostly. Or Mr. Robot. (#ramiisbeautiful) (No one’s paying me anything. I just love that show.)

I’m always working to learn more and to help others do the same. That’s what I do with my life. Is it what I wanted to wind up doing? Well, … yeah! It’s just who I am. It’s really what got me through, growing up. I didn’t have good models for behavior, so I studied other people whenever I could to learn acceptable habits. And school was my safe place, which made studying a blessing. Sure would be nice if it were easier for me to remember stuff and talk to people, but that’s what writing is for – so I can make sure I’m saying all the things I need to say, self-edit before expression, and then hang on to it for future reference if I expect it to be useful somehow.

That’s how I hold on to the little things that matter, and it has helped me understand that my love language is Words of Affirmation. I need linguistic input more than I need anything else, and I love the world by writing things for them or, if they’re lucky, sharing a great real-world conversation about something of significant social, emotional, or philosophical weight.

Now, one of these days, maybe I’ll even make money off what I do… 😉

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